Grooming is a type of abuse where a person is manipulated into being isolated and dependent on the groomer. This can lead to serious harm. I will be sharing six stages of grooming, illustrating each with examples from a fictional story to help you identify potential warning signs.
Stage One- Targeting a Victim
Groomers often seek out individuals who may be vulnerable, such as those experiencing family difficulties, loneliness, or those with physical or mental disabilities. These individuals may be more susceptible to isolation and dependency on the groomer. Additionally, individuals who have experienced past abuse may have difficulty recognizing and trusting their instincts about potentially harmful situations.
For an example, a groomer might target someone like Alex, a lonely teen struggling with their parents’ divorce, by offering fake friendship and support. Over time, they exploit Alex’s vulnerability, making it hard for them to recognize the manipulation or trust their instincts.
Stage Two- Gaining Trust
The groomer may initially offer seemingly friendly help and support, gradually lowering the victim’s defense. It may include providing gifts, making promises, and engaging in personal discussions, such as sharing secrets, to foster a sense of trust and intimacy. For an example A groomer might start by offering Carol (struggling single mother of 2 children), the luxury gifts. The groomer could make promises to build trust, leading Carol to be more and more vulnerable. Over time, the groomer engages in personal conversations and shared secrets to create a false sense of intimacy, lowering the Carol’s defenses.
Stage Three- Dependency
The groomer manipulates the victim into becoming dependent by providing assistance with paying for bills and groceries. They may also encourage the development of a strong emotional connection, further isolating the victim and increasing their reliance on the abuser. For an example A young adult named Mark, is struggling to make ends meet after losing his job. The groomer, an older seemingly successful individual offers to ‘help out’ with Mark’s rent, saying it’s a temporary loan. The groomer will use it all against him and make it more and more difficult for Mark to pay groomer back.
Stage Four- Isolation
Groomers actively work to isolate the victims from their support network, such as family and friends. This can involve forcing the victim to not continue contact with family/friends, or they will turn the victim against family and friends through negative comments and accusations, and presenting a friendly and charming facade to those in the victim’s social life circle while manipulating the victim behind closed doors. For an example A groomer isolates a victim like a high school student, a girl named Ashley. The groomer may trick Ashley into thinking her friends and family are actually bad for her, that she only needs the groomer in her life. So, she starts to spend all the time with this groomer, and her friends and family have no idea what is going on.
Stage Five- Abuse
This stage is when the abuse starts, or starts to escalate, which can occur in many forms- physical, sexual, emotional, mental, cultural, and financial abuse, by the groomer to the victim. This is also when the victim may already feel connected to the abuser, or even trusts them and may not realize what they are going through is indeed abuse. For an example The groomer hit and pushed Sam. Then Sam confronts the groomer but, the groomer blames Sam for making him do it. The groomer also may quickly change the behavior as the ‘loving’ person and apologizes and say he will never do that again, fall back in the cycles to do it again and again to hit and manipulating Sam.
Stage six- Maintaining the relationship
Groomers maintain relationships with victims by gaslighting, destroying self-esteem, continuing isolation, and using guilt or emotional manipulation to appear innocent. For example, if the victim attempts to address abuse, the groomer may use victim-blaming, making the victim feel guilty for ‘not appreciating’ the groomer’s actions, where the victim ends up being the one to apologize. For an example: If a victim, Katie tries to confront her groomer, the groomer will say “After everything I have done for you, how can you accuse me of this? If you leave me, I will kill myself.”, making Katie doubt herself.
If you or someone you know has been groomed, it is important to remember that it is absolutely not your fault. Grooming is a deliberate and manipulative process used by abusers to gain control over victims. You are not weak. This is a complex form of abuse that can happen to anyone. Groomers are skilled manipulators and often plan their actions carefully and take advantage of the vulnerabilities of their victims.
If you suspect you or someone you know may be a victim of grooming, please reach out for help. There are many resources available, including the Deaf Hotline.
